Thoughts of the mind and heart!!!

Take a day off...

2011-01-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

I took the day off....

not from work...just from my mind....myself...

no thinking...no analyzing...no wondering...no adding to half baked dreams....

just breathing....and being....

It is tougher than most things...

to tell oneself its okay...its okay to take a break from yourself...

from the worrying and wondering and hoping and dreaming....pondering...

of wanting something to happen so bad that it gives you a bellyache!

What did I do?

I read a book,

gazed at the over cast skies,

held a cup of coffee and ...

watched the snow fall in all its hush....glide to the earth...and make a white quilt...

I watched an old movie and talked to an old friend.....

And then....took a deep breath....and told myself ... you are entitled....you are worth it....

you are worthy of your dreams, thoughts and aspirations!!

The Shell of Emptiness....

2010-12-20T02:37:00.000-08:00

I often wonder about the shell of a snail...

It carries this empty shell on its back, which happens to be its entire world.

If it is not carrying its empty world it retreats into it,

thus shutting the rest of the universe outside.

Does it know what its doing? Is it happy living such a life?

Is its existence better than most?

Is it ok to carry one's solitude and loneliness on their being, around them, enveloped by it.

Most people do strange things to rid themselves of this shell of emptiness.

Can they? In the end...I feel we all have this shell within us.

Even when we are with loved ones, we can see we are not alone,

but there comes a moment of clarity when we realize ...everything is flimsy..... its all temporary...

love, friendship, enmity.... all the relationships we have, have a limitation....

and in the end its just us....

we are responsible for our happiness and only we can light a candle in the darkness

of our hearts and create a semblance of joy...and make peace with out solitude.

We...like the shell of the snail...are destined to carry our solitude and loneliness in our selves.....

the only difference is the snail has no choice...we as beings can shrink the size of it and become comfortable with our shells of solitary confinements by making peace with them and

acknowledging them as well as giving it its due importance thus accepting its existence and

also recognizing its presence....ergo as we identify our burden....it becomes easier to carry ... we may not get rid of it but we walk a little taller..knowing it exists and always will...we came alone...we leave alone....what we have inside....will also be what we have to comprehend....alone!!!

Gave little but got much much more.....

2010-07-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

Giving brings joy is what I have heard a great deal of times,

yet when I actually gave was when I felt the joy and peace steal over me.

I did not give money or any thing material...

I gave my time, to the needy.

Little souls that look up to you with such faith and trust.

Their eyes follow you when you enter their space.

Their tails wag.

Their tongues hang out and they lick you over and over.

Such pure love, such unselfish love.

Brought tears to my eyes.

It was when one lay beside me and relaxed enough to sleep, was when

my heart soared and I felt it would burst with joy.

I sat still, my hand moving gently over his fragile body,

and a smile on my face.

There are very few words that can come close to describe my state of heart and mind.

I was at peace. The long road of unsettledness and the feeling of something is amiss,

all dissipated and all that I came away with was a quite and peace.

The world made a little more sense than usual.

I gave a few hours but got back ten times more.....

Need Serenity....

2010-05-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

The more I meet the corporate world,

the more I crave Serenity of a simple existence.

The more one has the more one wants, so everyone knows,

but when you are faced with it then it hits home.

I was home, cooked, read had an easy life, but always felt

guilty for not working and earning my keep in life....

made me felt useless...

Then I start working and feel empowered...and important.

I got up, rushed and ran and clucked and played the part...

Yet, it felt not enough, it feels like a vital part is still missing...

I wonder....isn't eating,praying, loving and living not enough?

Usher the next Year in.....with snow

2010-01-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

As we stood under the inky black sky...looking up at the glittering lights
of the world around us...we saw the tiny little fluffs of heaven fall on our faces....
Such hush I have never felt, until the snowflakes touched my face,
the world fell away....the snow and me were one.
To most people living in the cold, it seems ludicrious that someone may want to
actually go out in a blizzard and take a walk...but I did.
I walked and walked...letting myself be completely engulfed with the white bliss...
No words came to mind and yet my whole being was calm and words soothing and
of feelings pored into my whole being.
It was a day I shall never forget, for I stood under the open skies...from a black
sea of darkness fell white, pure bliss and love and joy....
I spread out my arms, turned up my face to the sky and loved...every moment of the
cold snow flakes kissing my cheeks, and settling on my eyelids......telling me
it will all be good from now on.
Which ever path I take will be the path which was meant to be, I will walk
and the universe will be with me wherever I go.....

Askew my world is....

2009-10-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

Take a walk one way…then look at something…it clicks…and then take different path….
It never makes sense, sometimes it all seems so simple…that it is one foot in front of the other, walk, walk, walk until you reach a point where either you turn back or take another route…
Yet there are days that there are times where nothing seems simple, the foot does not obey, it does not move and no matter what we do….it does not go….
What do we do then?
The shadows of the wind cover you…when you walk, you hear the sounds and it seems like it will work...and then there is the whistling and howling and you wonder how you can make it stop…
Everything seems to be in contradiction…life seems such a paradox….at odds and ends…and all I really want at this point is a being…who listens…understands…and helps me make sense of this illusion….or reality which seems askew…..

The black and red of life

2009-09-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

When I walked down the stairs of the black and red club….pulsing with loud music…..all I wanted to do was dance, let my hair down and have fun.
I wanted to feel free, not look over my shoulder to see disapproving glances, and sly looks towards wallets.
We walked up to the bar, ordered a few shots of vodka and already my body was swaying to the music. It was following an ancient rhythm where everything took on a hue of its own. I could feel the alcohol loosen my body, the pains receding from every pore of my being. For days I had been feeling a nagging ache in my being. This night was all about me. Just me! No one knew who I was, and I felt like a million dollars, that’s exactly what I wanted.
We swung over to the dance floor, there I began dancing, and it was surreal. So many throbbing bodies around me, dancing, swinging and feeling each and every beat. Though we were strangers in the night, like passing ships on a harbor, but we all danced as one.
There was a sense of release on everyone’s faces and there seem to be a secret smile….as if we knew a secret and it was making us happy. I closed my eyes and let the mix of music, alcohol and flashing lights take me over. I did not care what my body did… I let it pulsate, holding my friend’s hand….I had a vague sense of her being around and yet I did not need her to hold my hand. She gave me a great gift, a gift of introduction to myself.

For a long time I had been feeling lost within a maze of expectations. Today as I danced and saw the admiration in the eyes of strangers….for me…not as someone’s wife or daughter or friend…but Me! It gave the confidence to think that I myself am a person that someone might be interested in talking to…dance with…meet me….

After I returned from this amazing experience, for days I have been glowing …and smiling…and been feeling invincible. Nothing seems to faze me… I want to smile all the time; I am loving me and thus am feeling the love around me. People are looking at different or rather I am noticing them notice me….the feeling is stupendous….

I might not get a night like that again…the magic, the dream…but that night and the people who were around me that night gave me a new lease on life. I felt so good about myself that it has galvanized me to achieve more, aspire more for myself, think less of others’ expectations of me and think more of what I want and need. It was a one night trip that made me see my life through the haze and truly think of how I am spending it and how I want to lead it.

I also know Rome was not built in a day and thus I will not take any rash decisions…but I am thinking…and if one starts thinking and believing… then things will be different…I know it will…..

The circle of life

2009-06-13T05:53:00.000-07:00

Round and round we go, where we start, we end and then start all over agian...
Today what is ending is giving birth to tomorrow. Tomorrow will bring its own ends and beginnings....
I look at today with a sigh in my heart...I look to tomorrow with anticipation...I look back with content....
Everyday of our lives are an adventure we have lived through,We do not have to be Indiana Jones and swing from trees each day...Just by living every minute of our lives we are a part of a cycle...our own cycle...
Dont resent it, dont second guess it...it is a fabric created by someone who knows all, let it spin...you cannot control it...so just flow...and the circle of life will come full circle...

Yesterday's memories- written by me years ago...just found it!!!

2009-01-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

What was today will be yesterday,

What was yesterday is yesterday,

So whether it is tomorrow or today,

Soon it will all be yesterday.

As the day passes it becomes yesterday,

The memory of pain,the feeling of joy,

which was felt today,will be soon yesterday.

Life takes new avenues along the lonely path.

But every path taken....soon is to become yesterday.

No matter how bad today is...it will become a yesterday.

He left yesterday,I was happy yesterday,

I cried yesterday..life deserted happiness yesterday.

But I shall not cry. I will make today good,

That I will always have a happy yesterday.

And even if I cannot...anyway...it will soon be yesterday.

2009-01-11T16:12:00.000-08:00

When I think of you...dream of you...you are always smiling।
You smiled when you cooked, you smiled when you talked।You smiled when you talked about cooking....you were all smiles।

Then there are days when I forget।I forget how you cooked।I forget how you talked.The one thing that I never forget though...is your smile.

Once I remember your smile...it all comes back...your laugh your touch, your smell....and you dont seem to have gone...but seem to have just left the room. I can feel the warmth of your embrace, the gentle touch of your soft skin of your sweet palms on my forehead.

I take solace in the thought that you are now the very airI breath...every little wisp of fresh air makes me feel your touch.

The gentle music of the leaves to the wind feels like your gentle musical voice whispering in my ears..."I am here! I love you! I will always be there for you when you need me!"

Happy New Year Mom!!

Turning leaves.....

2008-09-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

The days are getting darker, faster.
The leaves are turning color. From green, to orange to brown.

Slowly, gently...riding the breeze...goes down the bouquets of leaves.
They form kelidoscopes of patterns on the uneven earth.
Sometimes I wish I were an accomplished painter.
Sometimes I reach for my camera, in vain.
Then I lay the though aside, gently, trying not to hurt my own feelings...
There is no picture to be taken or painted....
not any that can justify the sheer stupendous beauty and attention to detail...
the creator has infused in every little atom of the topography.

All I can do is look around and marvel...and take it all in.
Absorb and burn it ...in the cores of my mind,heart and my entire being...

a home...a world.....

2008-09-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I packed up my home and put it in storage.
As I walked through each room,
picked up every little trinklet, wrapped it in bubble,
I lived a whole day...a whole memory with it.
a picture slipped out the back of a book case.
A memory slipped in my mind.
I played over each time we walked through a shop and chose the
one thing we finally picked up.
After putting every piece of my home in storage,
when I turned off the light for the last time...
the sadness I felt was overwhelming.

I know we will take another house,
We can open every piece and start over.
Yet, I will miss my home which I had built. It was small
it was tiny and over crowded...but it was a home which had love.
I could get up in the morning and see the hills from my window.
I could walk on the cool balcony floor, bare feet, and smell the fresh
grass. My lungs felt they would explode with every breath of fresh air I took.

LIfe goes on, things change, people change, nothing stays forever...yet...there are
somethings which we wish they would stay...and not every moment be
as flimsy and fleeting than it seems...

A moment in time!!!

2008-08-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

A day or a moment in our lives can actually define the rest of our lives.
One little incident can change the direction of the course of our meandering river of our future.
What a lot of us know but refuse to accept is that it is a moment is time, an insignificant blimp and it will go away.
This too shall pass!
Surely there will be a new morning and there will be life and there will always be a step after the next.
Just a matter of taking the next step and letting the moment pass.
Life is like a breeze, it is all around us.
We have to let it flow.
Sometimes hot, sometimes cold, we have learn to live with it and it will never do us harm.What seems intolerable today, will be bearable tomorrow...just need to let life work its magic.
Nothing lasts forever, no joy, n sadness, we will get over and we should get over death, betrayal,sepration,frustration....its all momentary, it is all an illusion, it will all pass!!

Eulogy to a dear dear friend....

2008-07-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

He was my closest friend.
We spent hours and days and countless precious moments together.
He would listen to me, I would hear him.

We would talk hours to end about this and that.
Most people though we made no sense....and yet....
He made perfect sense to me and me to him.
His thoughts were precious pearls I would collect every time we spoke,
and would carefully sow them in a necklace.
Any time I felt lonely, alone, sad or just blank,
I would take one of those necklaces in my hand,feel each pearl and feel better.

It seems bizzare that I would write this for a person who is still alive.
And yet, he is gone.
My friend, my buddy, a friend of my soul,
has left me where I was and moved on.

I dont know for better things or not....you see...we dont talk any more.
Sure we keep in touch sporadically,
but it is not the same...
My friend....is no more ...for me.....
as he is no more there.....for me.....

Translation Required!!

2008-03-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

What I dont get is why I cannot express what I think and feel at times.

There is a huge turmoil in my heart and I want to talk about it but the words
stick in my throat.

I want to show how I feel but the feelings dont translate in words ...

I need a translator of my heart...I want to be able to tell what I think...

I want to say what I think and be able to be understood...is it too much to ask??

To be understood without having to try to explain what I want to say??

Corner of my Heart...

2008-03-05T19:59:00.000-08:00

There is a corner of my heart I seldom visit...
Every once in a while I wander in its direction.

I can hear my steps like in a hollow tomb..
There are cobwebs of time..
some painting like memories have gathered dust over time.

I run my mind over them like I would run my hand over a steamy mirror,
I end up pressing my palm to my heart...and try to see clearly..
sometimes I do see and feel the times again... sometimes I get only figments and fleeting
moments....scraps and snaps of things gone by long long ago.

My heart aches at some visits and smiles at some.
My entire being yearns to recapture the past...
my mind just sits smug...high up.....knowing it will never be...
yet my heart...is unconsolable...

I slowly extract myself from the corner and silently pull
close the door,
vowing again, invainly, to never return...

but corner tugs at the most unexpected times...

I ignore it...

yet I know it is still there...quite....waiting ....for my return....

waiting for my heart's hollow footsteps to fall in it's direction.....again!!!

starz....

2008-01-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

When the stars came out to play
in the playground of the inky dark skies.

The clouds decided to tease the stars
they held hands and made the earth shiver.
Diming and hiding the stars' shiny glory.

The stars tried their best,
dodging in and out.
Twinkling at best.
They danced around in the skies.

This is an eternal game they have played
since ever...

Then comes out the moon...
in its full glory ...on its chariot of shiny white light.

The moon became the referee between the starz and clouds,
It pushed the clouds away and gave the starz their fair
time to shine and shine till the sun
came to chase them all away and
take over his rightful place in the sky.

The sun made the clouds melt away
and outshined the starz.
The moon quitely shyed away.

No one argued with the sun,
they all took a step back,
quietly,
bidding their time.
When the sun will tire and retire for the day,
then they would come back,
to play their eternal game...of
hide and seek.

drops of sunlight!!

2008-01-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

The last dying rays of the amber sunlight...
slant through the window,
reflect off the glass,
and make the drops of mist that have formed on my eye lashes...
go away.

I dream, I think and then I dream some more.
There are times when I look out the window and see the swaying trees.
The barren trees swaying in the cold winter wind.
I feel barren.
I dont want the night to go,
I dont want to wake up,
I dont want to face another day.

Yet I do.
For you.
I dont know who you are.
I dont know where you are.
I dont know what is it I wait for.
I know there is someone or something missing.

I will wait, I will wait till the day the drops of the first rays
of the melting sun touch my eyes and I wake up to a new day.
A new life...
or a new vision,misson or purpose of life!!!

Surreal.....Twilight zone.....Blast from the past!!!!

2007-12-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

A few choice words that come to mind...
every time I go back home.
The people, the memories, the feelings.

Its like walking through a haze,
I never know which memory I will bump into.

All of a sudden a whiff of smell will entice me and remind me
of my mum's perfume.
A person's sillouette would remind me of an old love forgotten.

The colors of wall remind me of the home which was there forever.
The hug of an old friend made me feel loved and secure again.

Yet I met people who made me feel inadequate.
People who I might have met in the passing.
Yet they commented on me and my life as if I owed them.
Thats which sent me spinning in the twilight zone.
Vague and insignificant people, all of a sudden looming huge in my face....
their expressions distorted and mean.

All in all a trip back home is always surreal.....a trip down the twilight zone.......

beacon...

2007-11-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

When I thought of you at first,
there was just a vague sense of familiarity.

Then when you came,
we shared laughter and tears.

Over time we became comfortable.

Now that you have left,
my thoughts have changed.

I now see the light that shines in my home,
and see you in it.
You are like a beacon of light and hope that shines in my life.
You have brought back the hope to live,
a purpose to exist.

You are what you are,
I might not like you,
yet I love you,
and forever will hold you in great reverense.
I see you as a beacon of light and hope...
always will...

Sun of Gold...

2007-09-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

As the sun set over the pacific ocean,
the moon showed up..all coy and shy like a bride
unveiling her face to the world.
The sun was shooting its last rays of light and was mixing
the gold in the azul waters like a painter has dipped his brush full of gold dust
in a blue bowl of water...there was a stain of gold where the
sun kissed the sea and was dropping out of view!

I saw her silhouette...gazing out the window of the moving car,
the sun and the moon chasing her in the window... and her eyes
drinking in the view ...thirsty and contented at the same time.
She had a secret smile on her face and a sad look in her eyes, as if remembering
an old ..fond memory or playing a story or a song in her head.

As far as perfect days go...that was it....I had the it all in that
one space....doing exactly what i loved.... with whom I loved...how I loved to
spend my time with them....it was just...perfect!

Fill the silence........

2007-08-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

A dear friend told me i should not feel sorry for myself ...
or expect anyone else to feel sorry for me either....so I wont....

I am writing this just to express what is going on inside me right now...
Today completes one year of my mom's death..
exactly one year ago she was in the hospital,
she took her last breath.
She did not look into my eyes before she went.
She did not whisper anything.
It was nothing like they show in the movies.
She was sleeping one moment and then....
she was gone!!

I dont know how to feel,
I miss her...each day.
I think of something or buy something nice...
and then ...I realize she is gone.....gone.....
no more picking up the phone and sayin,"Mom!
I bought a new shirt...or dress..or purse....or..."

I want to cry but cant..the tears dont come....
I want to smile but the face does not co operate!
I want to run but my feet are rooted to the ground..
I want to talk but the words stick in my throat....

Recently a friend cried in my arms....for my loss....
still ..i couldnt cry!!

Why I wonder.....I want to.....Lord knows I do.....
but i cant...I just feel a deep sadness.....a hollow in my heart...
a quite I cant fill.
I just want to feel...I want to feel...I need to feel....for her
and for all that I have lost....
I want the silence to go away!

ethics...

2007-08-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Where does it stop,
I met a few people who believe that its all fair in war
and business.
And I will not sound naive by saying that we should never
be unethical or that nothing unethical should be done ever.
Yet there should be a line.
If by doing something unethical at a miniscule level
you can be happy and not hurt anyone as well as not
tip the balance of things ...it should be okay.

I am always torn between wrong and right and the thing is
I am the person who would follow her heart.
No matter what my mind says. It might tell me
that something is practicle or is socially exceptable yet,
if my heart is not in it....I cant do it.

But then thats just me...what matters is, eithics are still
a very integral part of our lives.
It is the right thing, the humane thing to do.

friends...a rare commodity.......

2007-07-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

When I was just a young girl, I lived in an apartment
with my parents who were sweet and loving and considerate.
I have a younger brother, but he was too young at the time to be my friend.

I always craved for friends.
At school I was singled out for being over sized, unusual.
At home and in the neighborhood I felt kids tolerated me
because their parents asked them to.
I found refuge in books.
A loner's best friend.
Some neighborhood boys made fun of me as I left my
house. Eventually, I avoided leaving the house as much as
possible.

I made a friend when I was in the 7th grade. She was sweet and now
that I remember her I know she was Bulimic.
Well, we hung around at school for a year and then the COOL girls
came sweeping in and offered her to join their group.
The only condition, she stop being friends with me.
And boy did she stop being friends.
She even went ahead and told them my thoughts I shared with her
so they could make fun of me in class.

I left school and then moved to India, without much
nostalgia for Africa.
I was sent to a hostel there and I spent 2 years in a blur.
Just school, studies and a few mischiefs but no solid friendship.

Then came college.
I made friends.
College ended and surprisinly so did the friendships.
I tried to hold on. Calling, writing, emailing. Nothing!
They did not respond.
I did not get it!!
It was school all over again.

That is when I gave up on friends and friendship.
I decided I was not meant to have any.
Ok! Fine! I move on.

Then I bump into Lalu, (now my closest and best friend).
She and I met at a part time job I was doing during college.
We started talking and we became friends and thats when I
found my first, true and only friend. She saw me for what I was.
No judgements, no expectations. Just friends.
Through her I met the next best friend of mine, Subhre.
We three went everywhere together and saw each other through Hell and
high water. Literally.

Its been over 10 years now. We are still the best of friends.
There are thousands of miles between the three of us.
Yet, our hearts are connected completely in synch.
We each know the other's pulse.

I had given up on finding a true friend....and I found 2.
Life still manages to shock me!!!

where the mind is without fear........

2007-07-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

"Where the mind is without fear,
and the head is held high..."
Famous words from one of the most learned man in the world.
Though what is worth thinking about is....
Why does fear exist? Fear of what?
Fear of death,faliure, the unknown,the unexpected or of fear itself??

I have come to believe that destiny is all that matters.
Being afraid or fearing an event or emotion or even a person will not
change anything.
The key is to face it head on.
A friend once told me, think of the worst thing that can happen.
Now think that it has happened and how you will deal with it.
Once you know your plan-of-action and how you will deal, it is all
down hill from there.

"Que sera sera...whatever will be will be......"
A very powerful verse and an even more powerful song....

Its funny how the Gita and the Bible teach you the same thing.
Do what is in your power and do not worry about the consequences.
What is meant to be will be and what is not meant to be will never be
no matter how hard you try.

There is nothing to fear except fear itself.
Nothing is as bad as it seems.
Tomorrow is another day.
Time and tide waits for none.

When I was small and learnt these lines in school,
I never realized then how profound these lines are
and have changed my perspective towards life.

All I have learnt is, take each day as it comes. Take the
bad with a pinch of salt and the good with a smile and a thanks in your
heart!

Always keep your chin up and look life in the eye,
challenge it as if to say , "Bring it on....."

days.....like leaves on a tree....

2007-07-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Days could be like leaves, turning and changing.
Some flying away while some clinging on….

Where does each go…I don’t know?
Why does it go? I don’t know!

But I know that each one is special.
It’s different. Just like each snow flake is different.

One should be able to appreciate that we still have days left.
Like a few leaves left on a tree.
It is spring in our lives today but you never know….
Autumn might just be around the corner.
Today you feel your life is in full bloom but the next time you check,
It’s all gone.
It could happen that today you feel dejected that all the leaves of your life
Are falling apart but you never know, a new bud might just be hesitantly trying…..to bloom.

Never take your life for granted.
It’s never too late to take care of your tree of life.
Nurture it. Love it. Take care of.
As they say….
You only live once so make sure it’s blooming good.

My baby....my Einstein.... died

2007-06-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, we finally had to do the most inhumane thing on earth.
We had to put my Einstein to sleep.
He was being moved around and he bit someone else.
No one wanted him anymore and I could not keep him.

So we did the worst thing possible.
We put him to sleep.
I just pray that his soul goes to Heaven,
and if he takes birth again may God let him take birth as my
son.

Einstein....died June 19th 2007 11.30 am.

How I lost my baby(Einstein).

2007-06-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

It was like any other night,
we came back home from an evening out.
Fed and walked Einstein and got ready for bed.
As my husband told him "its bed time" and rolled his ball with his foot,
something triggered Einstein off. He went for my husband's foot and
tore off a certain amount of skin.

There was blood ....so much of blood.
I called 911 and the paramedics came. (Thank God for America).

My husband was taken to the emergency room where he got 25 stiches.

We got home at 5 am and tried to sleep.
Einstein walked around us , not understanding what had happened.

I called his Vet who then suggested a few options of which at the time
putting him to sleep forever was what she suggested was best.

So we put him in the pethotel and scheduled the procedure with a heavy heart.
I cried and cried. That was to take place 3 days later.

I was upset and the day of the procedure we went to pick him up to take to the vet.

There was a girl that works for the pethotel who asked if she could adopt Einstein.
We were aghast. Over joyed! Astonished!! Elated!!

My baby had been given a chance to live.
I grabbed it.
I gave her all his paper work and information.
Signed a written page that I am giving my baby to her from now on.
She was sweet and said I could meet him anytime I liked.

I cant even begin to say how happy I am and once again my faith in God is
renewed!!
I love my dog and the fate that was chosen was the worst.
I felt I had let him down in so many ways.

Though now I know he will be taken care of and loved like he deserved.

But I lost him. He will no more take me for walks.
Cuddle up to me in bed.
Lick my face or feet.
My home is empty and a part of my heart that belongs to him always....will be empty too.

I pray to God he lives a long, healthy and happy life.

things to do....

2007-05-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor for a routine check up after a blood work and she says...you are a diabetic....
now it took a while to sink but once it sunk in...I was shaking so hard I couldnt stop!

Anyway, that got me thinking that life so short and mine just got a little shorter...but there is so much to do still. I always thought I had years to come.

So, I started making a mental list of things I want to do before I die...here it is...the ones on the top of mind right now....

1. Have a Baby (preferably with my husband)
2. Buy a Jaguar
3. See atleast one city in each continent
4. Spend time with a famous personality
5. Go bungee jumping
5. Learn scuba diving
6. Leave a leagacy (if only a small one)
7. Do social service

I just hope that God gives me enough time to realize most of the above so that when the time comes to lay down I feel there is little I have not done or need to do.

where did she go?

2007-04-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Did she become a tree and has her arms spread out to the skies...
Did she become a fish like she always thought she was...
or did she become a bird and is scaling the heights of the open skies?

If she could hear me I would tell her I love her,
I would tell her she is still in my memories.
I did not misplace her memories like a bunch of old keys.
I have kept her in my heart.
She is a part of me as I will always be a part of her

Where ever she is...I would tell her I feel her.
Her gentle hands on my head.
Her dazzling smile lighting up my darkest moments.

Her soft and gentle voice, always there,
beckoning me...encouraging me to go on.
Her quite strength emboldening me to face my fears.
To fight the battle of life.

When I walk down a picturisque path...
I look up in the sky,
I look at the blue hills,
and the golden sunlight shinning or
dew kissed trees.

Those times I feel the closest to her.
She is a part of nature.
She is the wind, the gentle wind.
She is the warmth of the sun.
She is the pure sound of laughter of a child.
She is in the clear reflections of the lake.
She is everywhere ....everywhre where God is.

Because I know she and God are one now.
She is part of him as he was always a part of her.

I know where she went...
no where.
She is a part of me now...more than she ever was.
She is in me...in my heart....in my memories.....
alive...smiling....happy and without pain.....forever!!!

torn....

2007-02-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

"So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and nowI dont care,
I have no luck,
I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch,
Im torn...."-Natalie Imbruglia.

These words always make me think....and ponder over my convictions. I try to figure out whether I am religious or an athest, I have Nihilstic tendecies or do I actually believe in something? am I superstitious? I am so torn between these questions....
I am of little faith and yet I believe there is a God.
I pray and call out to him yet I do not practice a religion.
I do not believe in rituals and ceremonies and yet I do them for the love of my loved ones!!
Does that make me a hypocrite?Do I not know my mind..yes ...I guess I dont....but I sure would like to know for once where I stand!!
That is the good thing about certain religions, Christianity or Buddhism...they have certain practices that keep them rooted and make them believe in their faith.
In Huinduism there are just too many Gods, too many legends and too many mythologies....dont know which to beleive and which God to follow!
Mine right now is a self - religious crisis...if such a thing exists!!!
All I can say is my religion is humanaterianism!!!

how much is enough?

2007-01-22T15:28:00.000-08:00

I dont know...but I would love to know how much is enough?
They say "What doesn't break you, it only makes you stronger!"
Does it?
Each day as the sun rises, I hope that today will be end of my miseries,
something will happen or I will be able to do something about my miserable life!!
Guess what...the sun sets and I am still exactly where I was the previous day!

The feeling of helplessness never goes away and nor does the feeling of
abandonment. By God or angels or any other force that was suppose to look after us!!

Why cant life have a spell of calm and quite and normalancy! Thats what I crave for!
Just a few days or months of normal human life, normal income, normal car that doesnt
break down every month, job,house,children,etcetra, et cetra......
Is that too much to ask for.
I know I know, there are people in this world who have a far rotten deal,
I know....but sometimes it just doesnt matter to me!
I dont feel like I am a bad person just because I want all this while people
dont have health or food or peace or other necessities!
All I want is as per my standard of life, I catch a break!
They have their wishes and desires and am sure would be venting and ranting and
cribbing just as I am for things they meed!

Yes, I want to and I know I can make things work. I can change
my circumstances...all I need is a break, a chance to make it happen!!

Is there any one listening up there??
Hullo!!

2007-01-10T16:13:00.000-08:00

So I was just wondering to myself....after reading yet another saga of love between a couple who could not fulfill their dreams of being together after family intervention in the Indian society way.

The thing I was thinking was... how much difference does it actually make to real life. These lofty dreams and ideas of passionate love and forever. Nothing is forever. Isnt that what life brings to our minds every time we endeavor! We live the best we know how. We deal with each day as it comes. If today you love someone and then you cant be with them....well too bad!! Thats just the way life goes.
As the years pass the memories fade away, when one day you try to recall it all seems like a distant dream. No matter how strong the feelings. Life moves on. Memories fade. New ventures are under taken!! Thats the best part. Humans are far more resilient than they think, its how you choose to move on.
Some get involved in work , some make new familes while some decide to brood for life!! So what I really came to realize was that life moves on and love,life it all is subject to change. If at a certain point you feel you cannot live another day without someone. Its not true. Life will go on. The sun will rise. People will breath.
Its just that you will have to take the first step and it will all be easy to deal with...sometimes...you dont have to deal with it either, just go with the flow and the tide will take you with it. Or I should say, if you dont fight the current,you will not sink and will eventually reach your own shore!

The best part is.....every one does...they might not like where they reach....but they reach none the less.

Parents.....or......servants???

2007-01-02T15:25:00.000-08:00

One of my colleagues asked me....why dont you have kids?.....ofcourse I was offended at first by his directness...but then it got me thinking....(ofcourse I didnt tell him I had medical reasons).What does it mean to be a parent?Which lead me to observe the lives of some people around me!!!
I am an Indian who has come to live in the U.S. and find my fortune in the promised land! I am pretty new at the whole culture of it all, though I had read and watched American movies all my life.
One thing that struck me here, and made me quite upset is how a lot of Indians treat their parents. They come to the U.S to study or work or make their lives better... which is completely justified. Every human being has a right to do things to improve their quality of life. Yet, the thing about them that annoys me is- they get here, live here for a while, get married and then they *HAVE KIDS*. No No thats not the annoying part, its that as soon as they realize they cannot handle the kids,because both spouses are working, or they are a single parent or they need someone to baby sit for free or house sit for them they get their parents from India on the excuse that they want them to spend time with their grand child and they cant leave U.S(supposedly because of their work) so they sponsor their parents.
That is what is extremely annoying. I mean come on!!!! Just because they are your parents does not give you the right to exploit them. A parent would always go to extreme lengths to make their child's life easy and Indians as I am sure a lot of other ethenicities would give their life for their child. I know people have their dignity and I am sure a lot of parents refuse to be treated this way.
Yet the sad fact is, they are simple people coming from a world where they give love and respect and get a lot in return too. Their thankless children get them here on pretence of love and telling them they want to give them a good life. Once the parents are here the trap is closed on them. They are helpless in this foreign land. They cant leave as their children have the money and they dont, their passports are most probably stashed away in a safe some where.
Make no mistake! They are provided with all the comforts of home, except that they are taken advantage of in the meanest of ways. With emotional blackmail being the biggest weapon and the lure of being with their grand child.
I have seen the mothers of some of these thankless beings. They cook, clean,baby-sit,wash dishes and clothes,shop and so much else. Its like getting an unpaid servant!!!
Is that all that parents mean to people now?? Do I want to be a parent and be subjected to something like this ever? After the children move out...its their life. They have to make the best of it. Parents are there if you need support(emotional) but how you manage your life should be your own responsibility. You do not have a right to exploit sweet,innocent and especially old people.
Yes, its a good gesture to invite your parents to live with you...but only if your intention is to have their company not their services. They did not give us birth to see the day when you would treat them so because you or your wife dont have time or the ability to work out your life.
I think it is disgusting!!!
Our Parents are the roots of the tree of our lives, they deserve our love and respect not to be treated as servants because they have retired after all the years they put in, in bringing us up and sacrificing their selves for the whimps of a child who grew up to be a thankless jerk!!!