Pearls of hope

Dreams are the white wings we spread to out and take flight,
the tiny specks sitting on those wings are the woven in pearls of our hopes.
Each time we fly,
we are wrangled with fear.
Fear of failure, of disappointment....of incompletion of desires.

Yet we take flight.
We take flight because we hope.
Our hopes are what give our wings strength to dream.

Sometimes we dream alone and find ourselves soaring in the expanse of the universe.
Alone.  Yet, sometimes we share the dream. Though its our dream but when we
spread our wings and take flight, take the leap of faith, we find...
our wing tips touching the tips of someone else who shares our dream.

If we can find the strength to leap, the hope will come, the dream will live
and you might even find the gossamer threads of the dream woven through
the wings of others.... running its invisible webs through....them...and you.....
shining....glistening.....

I am a woman.

I as a woman am offended when in the name of religion women are expected to sacrifice.
Recently I was faced with an argument that a religious practice called Karwa Chauth.
A practice in the Indian faith where women fast all day long without food and water for the long
life of their husband and eat only after the moon is out. I like anyone else would want to wish well on my spouse. Though why the need to fast is my first question and secondly why women? Should it not go both ways? Why can men not observe this practice for the well being of women in their lives? Women who marry them, live with them, give them kids, take care of homes, also cook at times, as per Indian tradition they leave all that they know behind to give the men a life, make their families their own, their parents give dowries, pay for lavish and extravagant weddings, they even get tortured by in laws for in factions like infertility.
The whole premise of my question is why in this time and era do women still fear? Our parents spent as much time, money and love on us as much as men? What then gives men the gall to presume they are superior?  Why sell ourselves short? Why not teach our daughters that they are worth it. They should not settle and never be with anyone who or his family does not respect her and her family which is common humanity.
From ancient times women have been treated like chattel. They were bartered like commodity, they were plundered, raped and sodomized as per convenience. Is it not enough? We have stepped into the 21st century, we aspire to reach the far galaxies and planets and yet we cannot respect human beings equally?
The verbatim definition of feminism is "the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men."
 Is it not time we upheld it and respect women by providing equal rights as a society in India and the world? 

Don't let me go

I find myself in a place. A place a lot of us might find ourselves.
Its limbo.
If someone glances into the window of my life it seems perfect.
Yes, everything a person can need to exist is available.
What society perceives as achievement is there.
Yet I find myself swimming in a funk.
It's like I am floating right under the surface of reality.
I know I am underwater. I can hear the loud silences.
I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I know I exist.
I know I want to break over the edge of the water.
As I see the light play on the surface I want to reach over and touch its warmth.
Yet, something holds me back.
What is it?
I don't know. My fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of seeing a new reality.
Fear of changing things as is.
So thus I float. For now. The water is like a glass barrier above me,
between me and the world.
Is that reality better than this? I have no idea.
I have a straw to breathe.
The straw that I hold on to with dear life.
Its the only link between me and my chance to reality.
The only link in the chain that keeps reminding me that I should not
forget that I was once different and things CAN be different someday.
Till the day I can break free...oh dear straw of mine...don't let me go.
I might lose sight and lull myself into false security in this limbo.
You are my touchstone.
Don't let me forget.....and don't ever let me go!

Masks

It is said that we all wear masks... we mask our true selves for fear of discovery.
Behind the masks lie our true natures with facets of lust, fear, violence, anger and such.
There is also facets of vulnerability and pain and such as well.
It becomes necessary I guess, after a while as being your true selves gets one
judgement and ridicules.
Now my observation is not on the masks, that I know exists.
My thoughts are on who taught us to put on the masks and also...when.
All human behaviour is learned behaviour. We are a clean slate when we enter
this world. Then when do we learn to pretend?
The answer in my opinion is since we began talking as a child.
I see parents chide children, this is not right, that is not right.
You cannot say this, you cannot say that.
What are we really doing?
We are conditioning the child to alter their true nature and being themselves
to little minions of us who will follow other minions and dodos and fall off the
face of this proverbial life and Earth.
Years ago a child once called me "Fat". I laughed, I knew she was right. I was overweight and
from her vantage point I would look exactly like the picture depicting "Fat" in her
kiddi books. What was more hurtful was her mom telling her its not polite to say that.
When the child asked why, she said "You know how you do not call a blind person blind or a
mentally challenged person retard you do not call over weight people Fat!"
It felt like I was kicked in the guts.
This is how we teach our children to put on another mask. To be polite.
Do not talk about the obvious.
I as one individual cannot change the entire society and world, but that does not
render me blind. I see the hypocrisy, I see the pretences.
It irritates me to see people with masks on.
That is why , when I  meet someone without one...very rarely but I do
meet some who have chosen not to don the proverbial mask I rejoice.
I get so excited and try to hold on to them. Sometimes quite fervently.
It is refreshing.

But then as no man is an island, so at times only by donning the masks can we walk
the earth and look for the few without them or showing cracks on their masks
so we can reach each other and cast them off together! We now need the masks to
survive the world...and look for like minded individuals with whom we can let the masks slip away!

one step

One step forward and two steps back.

Lying to oneself is easy and to others...even easier. We all have instincts and our instincts tell us when someone is angry with us, when they have shut down , when they are ignoring us and when ...they just don't care. Yes, certainly sometimes we are mistaken and it is not all that sombre. Thus in relationships its like a dance... we take one step towards someone and then retreat two steps, afraid of being hurt or hurting others. Self doubt and second guessing has become my second nature. Which leads me to....

I am confused about myself. The direction where I am headed, my reasons for the things I do and for what is it that I am on this God's green earth to do? To be a mother? To be a friend? To be a wife? To be a worker? To be a writer? To be a painter? To be a cook? I have numerous interests and yet nothing fuels my passions on an on going basis.
I see the judgement in people's eyes. For the longest time people worked hard for women to get education and equal rights. It is still an ongoing battle in some places. Does that not put undue pressure on women who have it and yet want to be something other than a worker bee or just ambitious for career and money? Can't I just want to be me? These existential issues keep coming up and I struggle with them some and then let them go at times. I let go of them and my insecurities until I come across someone again asking me, "Don't you have a MBA?" Does that mean that I HAVE to use my degree? Does that mean I have no other options? Does that not mean that I have that too as an option if I choose it to be?
That then brings me right back to...what DO I want? Which comes back as a resounding "I have no Bloody idea!!!" 

Blue

It hits me out of the blue and boy do I get blue.
My arms ache to reach out and be engulfed.

I ache for the warmth that can melt away my sadness.
My body rocks to an ancient rhythm. The rocking of my body in a soothing
motion that remind me of my mother's embrace.

I ache for the love and the familiarity that is slipping away everyday.
I have loved ones around me, I am loved, I am cherished ...yet
its not enough. I miss the care and affections of the ones that are departed.

As the seasons turn,
I am reminded of their loss.
I see them in my dreams and sometimes I catch them
from the corner of my eye.
I hear their voice , calling my name and I reach my arms out...
trying to reach them.
Then I wake up and know...
that they are gone.
That begins the cycle of sadness that I have to push away everyday.

A loss is not of just a person,
but of moments, life, memories, a part of our lives.
It cannot be mourned and be moved on from.
It is something we deal with every day.
I decide each day I am not going to let it take me down.

And then....the blues hit....and boy do they hit.
My heart aches with the memory of my mother's embrace.
My father's loving hand on my fore head,
the way he tucked my strand of hair behind my ear,
how Mom got us ready for school.

How I took it all for granted ....and now....
I just wish I could go back and remember more details.
Yet all that I remember and miss most is her hugs.
His voice.
Their love.
My days ache from their loss.

I will smile and live and love....but part of me will always ache for them.

Dreams are expensive

When I watch a fantasy show....the one thing is always repeated...Magic comes with a price....
But then if we translate it in our real life....
our dreams are figuratively magic and thus our dreams have a price.....and quite an expensive one for that!
I wonder why the Universe exacts such a huge pound of flesh for a dream we dare to dream....
I guess that is why we live most our lives on auto pilot...afraid of dreaming....even imagining to dare that there could be a different reality than what we live in...
It is definitely easy to say all one has to do is get up and change their circumstances or just take the first step....but not everyone has the the courage to do so....thus fear rules our lives....or is it that we know the price we have to pay for a dream....dream to have a different reality...to take a different path...to desire...to achieve...to be....or to mean anything more......
Dreams are like those fleeting foggy clouds...misty and flimsy passing through the skies of our  mind....we see them....we feel their moist kisses on our brow passing over us....making our body clammy with desire....yet we dare not stop and try to solidify them....because we know ....to stop a dream and try to hold on...may mean giving up every single thing you know and hold dear...it will question your very existence.....