Fill the silence........

A dear friend told me i should not feel sorry for myself ...
or expect anyone else to feel sorry for me either....so I wont....

I am writing this just to express what is going on inside me right now...
Today completes one year of my mom's death..
exactly one year ago she was in the hospital,
she took her last breath.
She did not look into my eyes before she went.
She did not whisper anything.
It was nothing like they show in the movies.
She was sleeping one moment and then....
she was gone!!

I dont know how to feel,
I miss her...each day.
I think of something or buy something nice...
and then ...I realize she is gone.....gone.....
no more picking up the phone and sayin,"Mom!
I bought a new shirt...or dress..or purse....or..."

I want to cry but cant..the tears dont come....
I want to smile but the face does not co operate!
I want to run but my feet are rooted to the ground..
I want to talk but the words stick in my throat....

Recently a friend cried in my arms....for my loss....
still ..i couldnt cry!!

Why I wonder.....I want to.....Lord knows I do.....
but i cant...I just feel a deep sadness.....a hollow in my heart...
a quite I cant fill.
I just want to feel...I want to feel...I need to feel....for her
and for all that I have lost....
I want the silence to go away!

ethics...

Where does it stop,
I met a few people who believe that its all fair in war
and business.
And I will not sound naive by saying that we should never
be unethical or that nothing unethical should be done ever.
Yet there should be a line.
If by doing something unethical at a miniscule level
you can be happy and not hurt anyone as well as not
tip the balance of things ...it should be okay.

I am always torn between wrong and right and the thing is
I am the person who would follow her heart.
No matter what my mind says. It might tell me
that something is practicle or is socially exceptable yet,
if my heart is not in it....I cant do it.

But then thats just me...what matters is, eithics are still
a very integral part of our lives.
It is the right thing, the humane thing to do.