Love is addictive

Love is a feeling.
We all have it in our lives in some form or the other.

When you find it in your partner though...that's the love that makes you feel blessed.
It warms your heart.
Brings you peace.
Every breath you take makes you feel engulfed in a warm hug of your beloved.

That love.
That love is addictive.

You want to stay in the haze of it.
Be surrounded by it.

No matter where you are....or what you are doing.
It is ever-present.
Like your breath. It becomes a part of who you are.

Love is a feeling... it is like God... you cannot see it... you can only feel it... it cannot be forced...it can only be felt... you will know when you have it. 

Either you know or you don't

No one person can be it all.
We all need a cornucopia of spices to make our lives more flavourful.

Is it easy...not by a long shot.
Can everyone understand it....no way.

That being said, one life...we make it what it is.

We can live in the confines of our confinements and yet spread our arms wide and reach the edges of
our existence.
No one can tell us what is right or wrong for us but us.

We can be committed and yet feel the freedom of the soul.

It makes my heart sing....to know that I can steal moments from my life and make then my own.
No one can take them away from me.
I own them and file them under the category of  memories to visit when I want to feel alive again....
in the meanwhile we march on....

Does it matter...should it matter ?

Your hair are too thin,
You let yourself go,
You need to cut back on carbs.

Really?
Have you seen yourself?
Does it matter really to you or anyone if my hair are thin?

Would you not rather know how I am doing?
If I am happy?
If something is not well with me?

Why are appearances that all that matter?

The bigger question is why do I care?
Should I care?
What they think?
Why does it still bother me?

Life is tough... why make it tougher for someone by judging them? 

white cotton candy

I drove down the winding lanes,
The sunlight warming my fingers,
Clouds spread out in the baby blue sky,
Like fluffy cotton candy floating about.

My music floating on the wings of the air swirling around me.
I dreamed of the past, the present and the future.

I found my fingers twirling my hair,
I smiled and frowned and felt happy and sad...all at once.

My car turned with every turn and so did my feelings...

There is just so much to do that when I slow down...I dont want to.

I want to see ... I want to dream.... I want to live....completely... without compromise....

I want to be Alive! 

My mortality

Today out of most...
I am reminded of the frailty of the human body,
the mortality of a human life...
and the never ending and surprising arrogance to think we are immortal.

We are of dust and will soon be dust again,
none...no matter how much of an achiever will take anything with us.
We will end where we began...into oblivion.

Time is short...so short.....so many roads to travel,
so many lives to touch....so many hues to see.
Yet the sand trickles away....bit by bit....slips through the narrow passage of time.

We see it happen to others and yet feel that it cannot happen to us.
We make plans, we have ambitions....we take liberties....
all in vain.
All can be dashed in a breath. A breath that can leave in less
than a blink of an eye.

We are mortal. We are all here with finite time.
Make it count. Make. Every.Breath. Count.
Not for anyone else....but for yourself...
when the time comes....never should there be a regret.

Pearls of hope

Dreams are the white wings we spread to out and take flight,
the tiny specks sitting on those wings are the woven in pearls of our hopes.
Each time we fly,
we are wrangled with fear.
Fear of failure, of disappointment....of incompletion of desires.

Yet we take flight.
We take flight because we hope.
Our hopes are what give our wings strength to dream.

Sometimes we dream alone and find ourselves soaring in the expanse of the universe.
Alone.  Yet, sometimes we share the dream. Though its our dream but when we
spread our wings and take flight, take the leap of faith, we find...
our wing tips touching the tips of someone else who shares our dream.

If we can find the strength to leap, the hope will come, the dream will live
and you might even find the gossamer threads of the dream woven through
the wings of others.... running its invisible webs through....them...and you.....
shining....glistening.....

Don't let me go

I find myself in a place. A place a lot of us might find ourselves.
Its limbo.
If someone glances into the window of my life it seems perfect.
Yes, everything a person can need to exist is available.
What society perceives as achievement is there.
Yet I find myself swimming in a funk.
It's like I am floating right under the surface of reality.
I know I am underwater. I can hear the loud silences.
I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I know I exist.
I know I want to break over the edge of the water.
As I see the light play on the surface I want to reach over and touch its warmth.
Yet, something holds me back.
What is it?
I don't know. My fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of seeing a new reality.
Fear of changing things as is.
So thus I float. For now. The water is like a glass barrier above me,
between me and the world.
Is that reality better than this? I have no idea.
I have a straw to breathe.
The straw that I hold on to with dear life.
Its the only link between me and my chance to reality.
The only link in the chain that keeps reminding me that I should not
forget that I was once different and things CAN be different someday.
Till the day I can break free...oh dear straw of mine...don't let me go.
I might lose sight and lull myself into false security in this limbo.
You are my touchstone.
Don't let me forget.....and don't ever let me go!

Masks

It is said that we all wear masks... we mask our true selves for fear of discovery.
Behind the masks lie our true natures with facets of lust, fear, violence, anger and such.
There is also facets of vulnerability and pain and such as well.
It becomes necessary I guess, after a while as being your true selves gets one
judgement and ridicules.
Now my observation is not on the masks, that I know exists.
My thoughts are on who taught us to put on the masks and also...when.
All human behaviour is learned behaviour. We are a clean slate when we enter
this world. Then when do we learn to pretend?
The answer in my opinion is since we began talking as a child.
I see parents chide children, this is not right, that is not right.
You cannot say this, you cannot say that.
What are we really doing?
We are conditioning the child to alter their true nature and being themselves
to little minions of us who will follow other minions and dodos and fall off the
face of this proverbial life and Earth.
Years ago a child once called me "Fat". I laughed, I knew she was right. I was overweight and
from her vantage point I would look exactly like the picture depicting "Fat" in her
kiddi books. What was more hurtful was her mom telling her its not polite to say that.
When the child asked why, she said "You know how you do not call a blind person blind or a
mentally challenged person retard you do not call over weight people Fat!"
It felt like I was kicked in the guts.
This is how we teach our children to put on another mask. To be polite.
Do not talk about the obvious.
I as one individual cannot change the entire society and world, but that does not
render me blind. I see the hypocrisy, I see the pretences.
It irritates me to see people with masks on.
That is why , when I  meet someone without one...very rarely but I do
meet some who have chosen not to don the proverbial mask I rejoice.
I get so excited and try to hold on to them. Sometimes quite fervently.
It is refreshing.

But then as no man is an island, so at times only by donning the masks can we walk
the earth and look for the few without them or showing cracks on their masks
so we can reach each other and cast them off together! We now need the masks to
survive the world...and look for like minded individuals with whom we can let the masks slip away!

one step

One step forward and two steps back.

Lying to oneself is easy and to others...even easier. We all have instincts and our instincts tell us when someone is angry with us, when they have shut down , when they are ignoring us and when ...they just don't care. Yes, certainly sometimes we are mistaken and it is not all that sombre. Thus in relationships its like a dance... we take one step towards someone and then retreat two steps, afraid of being hurt or hurting others. Self doubt and second guessing has become my second nature. Which leads me to....

I am confused about myself. The direction where I am headed, my reasons for the things I do and for what is it that I am on this God's green earth to do? To be a mother? To be a friend? To be a wife? To be a worker? To be a writer? To be a painter? To be a cook? I have numerous interests and yet nothing fuels my passions on an on going basis.
I see the judgement in people's eyes. For the longest time people worked hard for women to get education and equal rights. It is still an ongoing battle in some places. Does that not put undue pressure on women who have it and yet want to be something other than a worker bee or just ambitious for career and money? Can't I just want to be me? These existential issues keep coming up and I struggle with them some and then let them go at times. I let go of them and my insecurities until I come across someone again asking me, "Don't you have a MBA?" Does that mean that I HAVE to use my degree? Does that mean I have no other options? Does that not mean that I have that too as an option if I choose it to be?
That then brings me right back to...what DO I want? Which comes back as a resounding "I have no Bloody idea!!!" 

Blue

It hits me out of the blue and boy do I get blue.
My arms ache to reach out and be engulfed.

I ache for the warmth that can melt away my sadness.
My body rocks to an ancient rhythm. The rocking of my body in a soothing
motion that remind me of my mother's embrace.

I ache for the love and the familiarity that is slipping away everyday.
I have loved ones around me, I am loved, I am cherished ...yet
its not enough. I miss the care and affections of the ones that are departed.

As the seasons turn,
I am reminded of their loss.
I see them in my dreams and sometimes I catch them
from the corner of my eye.
I hear their voice , calling my name and I reach my arms out...
trying to reach them.
Then I wake up and know...
that they are gone.
That begins the cycle of sadness that I have to push away everyday.

A loss is not of just a person,
but of moments, life, memories, a part of our lives.
It cannot be mourned and be moved on from.
It is something we deal with every day.
I decide each day I am not going to let it take me down.

And then....the blues hit....and boy do they hit.
My heart aches with the memory of my mother's embrace.
My father's loving hand on my fore head,
the way he tucked my strand of hair behind my ear,
how Mom got us ready for school.

How I took it all for granted ....and now....
I just wish I could go back and remember more details.
Yet all that I remember and miss most is her hugs.
His voice.
Their love.
My days ache from their loss.

I will smile and live and love....but part of me will always ache for them.

Dreams are expensive

When I watch a fantasy show....the one thing is always repeated...Magic comes with a price....
But then if we translate it in our real life....
our dreams are figuratively magic and thus our dreams have a price.....and quite an expensive one for that!
I wonder why the Universe exacts such a huge pound of flesh for a dream we dare to dream....
I guess that is why we live most our lives on auto pilot...afraid of dreaming....even imagining to dare that there could be a different reality than what we live in...
It is definitely easy to say all one has to do is get up and change their circumstances or just take the first step....but not everyone has the the courage to do so....thus fear rules our lives....or is it that we know the price we have to pay for a dream....dream to have a different reality...to take a different path...to desire...to achieve...to be....or to mean anything more......
Dreams are like those fleeting foggy clouds...misty and flimsy passing through the skies of our  mind....we see them....we feel their moist kisses on our brow passing over us....making our body clammy with desire....yet we dare not stop and try to solidify them....because we know ....to stop a dream and try to hold on...may mean giving up every single thing you know and hold dear...it will question your very existence.....

I wonder again...

As we grow and time passes...I am forced to wonder and ponder over this one thing. What is morality? What are ethics? What is right and what is wrong? What is natural and what is unnatural?
Yes, these may be questions that plagued many a philosophers and thinkers. It bothers me too. I wonder about these questions as they come into play on a daily bases in my life and of all that I know.
I was told by one person homosexuality was wrong. I asked "Why do you think that?" The answer, though I do not know why it surprised me, was , "Its unnatural. Nature made man and woman for specific reasons and thus to mate in any other equation is against nature."
I was pained by this view. Yes, it is that person's view point. Yet the narrow thinking pained me. How does one grow older and never evolves? I did try to explain to the best of my ability and yet it fell short and the person turned away, clasping tightly to their archaic view point.
So I think who has placed these views in people? How does one come to the conclusion that one act is right and one is wrong? Who gives them the authority to judge an action, a thought a feeling?
If a married woman/man felt an innate need is not being met , they seize an opportunity if it arose, to fulfill it, will they be considered immoral? Most people are conditioned to believe that society functions in absolutes! Yet, is it? Wrong or immoral I mean? Can a person not love one and yet find a need fulfilled somewhere else? I bet the people who are members of Ashley Maddison might back me up on this! Yet thats what got me thinking on this train of thought. Why is it considered cheating or betrayal? Where does it say by nature we are to be monogamous? Yes, it says so in the the holy books of certain religions. But them who wrote those books? Men! Then it is thinking of certain men that decide what we should think is right or wrong not our own sense of judgement.
Here is what I think, we are born once. We have no idea of what came before or what is to come after. We have been given an individual brain for a reason or else we would have been part of a collective like the Borge. We are meant to take decisions pertaining to our lives, individually. Morality, ethics, right, wrong, natural and unnatural are all relative terms and we have to weigh our options based on personal opinion instead of something handed down by a faceless people centuries ago which hold no sense of propriety in today's time and age. It may have been good for the society at their time as it needed the structure and guidlines as it was evolving. Now we are past that and as evolution continues we need to stop with the collective thinking and really apply our own sense to the matter. Society will not disintegrate unlike the popular belief. Now I know some one will argue, then that should we let people do what ever they want like rob, rape and cheat others. NO! That is not what I am saying and if this thought has crossed your mind after reading the above, you should stop reading!
As long as it does not do harm to any other being, its not fatal to anyone, our decisions have to be our own, in matters that pertain only to self and has nothing to do with opion of others is where I am coming from. I am not asking to dessimate society completely.I am saying it is possible to maintain one's inviduality also in a social setting.Matters pertaining to the heart. Marraige, job, friendship, fashion, your own life. Do not be the sheep following the herd!
 We cannot view the world by the standards set by someone centuries ago. We must not judge at all. We have to take it as a part of evolution and learn to grow individually as well as appreciate the growth and changes around us. 

Do you know life is too short to keep up pretense?

Now here is what I ponder today...

Do we love for the sake of love or we hold on in fear...

Now I am not just talking about a romantic relationship...it can be any relationship is what concerns me....

We hold on to redundant friendships and relations...knowing full well that they do not serve their purpose any more. They may have started out as strong solid relations but as time goes by...they fade into a habit of a relationship. 

You go through the motions of talking, making the same jokes and aching about the same aches...then you part ways and wonder what you talked about. Why did you not feel the same exhilaration or catharsis you always felt? The rush of joy you felt when the other understood you in the minimal use of language. 

That is when I start thinking ..is the relationship still alive. Am I just holding on due to history and nostalgia or does it still mean as much to me as it did before?

As I metamorphosize so does the other individual and thus we grow in different directions and what once seemed funny and amusing is just sad and redundant now. 

Is it time to let go of the fear of being alone...without the familiarity? Is the sense of familiarity that important?
There is of course another question that then takes birth from these swirling dark clouds of questions of existence...can the love be salvaged?
That is a big question to follow the already pebble ridden path that we were strolling down already. The pebbly questions poke the soft skin of the under foot and the grit hurts to the point where we are forced to stop and take stalk. We are forced to rethink our path and think carefully how to avoid the gritty path.
Love is a powerful yet overused and tired word. What is love really? Is it being fond of someone to the point where you do not see yourself without the other? Is it the irrational chemical and physical reaction to a person or thing? Can we love without fear? Can we be brave to let go and more still are we brave enough to realize that the love is gone?
It may not be fleeting but it surely can fade. If there is a residue of comfort to the level that is acceptable and nothing else gives...then maybe we hold on. But not out of fear of loss. Not out of the dread of the gaping hole that may occur as the sudden vacuum created by the fading and subsequent removal of this.
I know most of us ...including I think...why should I let go? Why not let it be? Its not like its killing me? Well that may be true. It could be a something that exists in your life, just because you have it. Like that ugly totem you bought on a trip to the islands and now it does not go with your life but it is still there because you bought it and have fond memories connected to it. My only problem with that would be...the totem does not take away from your life but this kind of relations that are no more gratifying..they eat away at you. You will have to keep up the Charade and pretenses and the only question then remains it...
Do you know life is too short to keep up pretense? 

Loneliness

Loneliness is not just a state of mind as some people claim. I think it is a physical condition. Not all suffer from it constantly and yet all of us feel it in some form or another at some point or another in our lives. Whether you are single, married, kids, gay, straight, poor or rich. This is a condition that happens to creep up on us when we are least expecting it and punches us in the gut.

It is not the domain of the depressed or unhappy. Though they might feel it more strongly then others.
When your friends forsake you for their pleasure. When your spouse does not understand why you think something or want something or feel a certain way. You feel isolated, alone...misunderstood...
When a parent looks at you with confusion wondering why you said that. When you are in the middle of a crowded room and there is chatter all around you...yet no one seems to be talking your language.
You feel alone and thus lonely.

The worse is of course when you are all by yourself and all your loved ones or whom you think are your near and dear ones are too busy to spend some time with you. You might be brave enough to reach out timidly, afraid of being rejected or ridiculed.If there is a lack of empathy it drives you further inside and the shame of being needy just compounds the loneliness. Thus you put on a brave face and soldier on all the time feeling the dull ache of the growing hole of loneliness eating you from the inside out.

There are people who say they are happy to be alone. I wonder, is it all the time that they are happy. Don't they miss a human voice, a kind touch, a warm embrace or just a loving look? I am betting they do and they sweep the feeling away, telling themselves that feeling lonely is for the weak. Isn't that then just their ego telling them they are not lonely? In fact are they not just suppressing the reality? Some people fondly call it manning up!

To achieve great things people have been known to say they are faster alone. If you are a runner I guess you are. But in all other things...I believe no one person can succeed, there is always another nudging them along or making the path easier. It could be a parent , a friend, a sibling, a spouse and in some cases your employees. "No man is an island" said John Donne.

'No Man is an Island'

No man is an island entire of itself; every man 
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; 
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe 
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as 
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine 
own were; any man's death diminishes me, 
because I am involved in mankind. 
And therefore never send to know for whom 
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. 

MEDITATION XVII
Devotions upon Emergent Occasions
John Donne 

Explained-  Donne returns to his idea that 

“no man is an island,” indicating that 
everyone is connected to every other human being in some way. 

 Just as dirt and sand clods are part of the European continent, 

so too is each man part of the entire human race; 

the removal of a clod diminishes the 
continent,

 and the removal of a human life diminishes mankind. 

 Since every death diminishes the rest of mankind in some way,

 when the bell tolls for a funeral 

it tolls in a sense for everyone.

Change...the only constant

We change is all that I know....
We must....we have to...
there is no other way....
we cannot stop it....
as we grow older....
we learn new things...we experience different emotions...
they all change us...
like the ebb and flow of tide...
our lives flow on and on....
but we are different ever flow.

What was once the all important ...life changing event...
in long time to come...becomes ridiculously miniscule and insignificant.

The only constant life that truly remains before it ends....is change. 

The glass in my eye is stuck...

The frame caught the corner of the other frame...
shattering the glass in an infinite number.
The crunching sound and the glint of glass that caught the light...
all happened in the blink of an eye.

The water spilt out of my eyes,
the glass had entered my eye.
The pain was immense...and yet...
there was no physical piece of glass in there.

Lying on the floor,
watching the shattered frames and cracked glasses around me...
I wonder how I arrived here.

The picture that was once a memento of a special moment,
now was covered in cracked glass,
just like the fractured love now that was once my life.

I often heard that everything comes to an end
and most often in life, I have lived the end of so much.
Yet, this was one thing I never thought would end.
The endless, honest love we shared that was the centre of my life.

Am I selfish that I want you to reach out to me?
Am I spoilt to expect a phone call?
Am I immature if I look forward to a heart to heart with you?
Can I not hope for a little understanding?
A little affection....a little satisfaction?

I do not know...but the pain of your distance and loss has entered
my eye...like the shattered glass on our picture together...and makes me
weep so often....for my eye has the glass of your memory stuck in it.....

The Soul is thirsty.....

Why is the Soul thirsty?
What is that one looks for that will quench it?

I dream every day...of something new....
Most people think of me as flimsy....
I think I am a chef today and a painter tomorrow.
Somedays I do both and there are days I can be either...
The question is... is it that bad?

I feel my soul craves to be drenched in bliss...
I am not out looking for happiness but trying to find
happiness in little things on a daily basis.

I might not make sense by the standards of the rotting social norms...
I may look odd...
I may even look ridiculous to some sensible two shoes....

Yet...this is me....and I am always on the look out for like minded
people...who get it...and want to get lost in the chaos...
just to find the fleeting glimmer of....the sheer moment of joy.....

Aspire to be great...or don't... its ok !

We all have aspirations. Over the years ...the people I have met...all have something or the other they believe is their goal in life or is their destiny or they aspire to be. Some want to be Spectacular, some mediocre, some women just want a family and some men just want to be free. I have met people who aspire to be great..even if it is just at their work or job while some just want o survive and be able to breath and live to be a 100! 

Don’t you see? Even the most unambitious of us have some ambition or aspiration! 

What i wonder is if we as individuals have a right to judge the other for their decisions or aspirations? The paths they choose to lead to the way they want to go is their choice and their decision. Something they thought was the best road that leads to where they want to go or lead away from where they do not. Can we decide what is right or wrong for someone? As a parent, friend or spouse? Can we completely comprehend the reasoning and the deduction of one individual who has the sum total of their beliefs, experiences , fears and choices. I think not! We all make our decisions, we are entitled to change as our lives progress but no one gets to tell us that this is the right way to be! We be as we need to be at that point of time and then we galvanize when the moment is right. Not a moment before or after! I can choose to be a Hero or Coward! No one can tell me what is moral and what is immoral or ethical or non ethical. There is and that is my opinion entirely...just our choice of what we choose. The standards were set decades  or millenniums ago as guidelines or suggestions of what can be...but in no means can they be the prime directive of the way of life! Each life like a finger print is unique, every person has their own choices by which they get to the point of the fork in the road where they find themselves. The only guide and moral compass must be how they feel? Will that decision be the one they can live with....I don’t say people do not compromise to their circumstances.... some forks in the road lead people to decide that too, and that by no means that they are cowards or not true to their nature or worse! Its their decision to be as they are ... for the while and the rest of their time if they choose as they feel  that is the best course of action...in this case inaction. Its a tough life, each day one makes choices and decisions that effect them. Fear may not be an option but it is very real to most. We are microcosmic in this Universe and if we look at the enormity of the Universe we realize it, but the reality is that most people do not. They are self centred and all they know is themselves, their lives and how and what effects them.... that is all that matter to them. If we look up to the stars we will see that we have 1 life that we know of and thats all we can do... is make this one the best we can! 

So note to self... aspire to be great but don’t kill yourself trying too hard , its ok if you don't want to be that either...its ok not to know what you want and it is definitely ok not to know where you are going from this point on!! 

Hello Sun....its me...Flower!!

Every morning I got up, I looked up and there he was...
the Sun...shining bright, smiling down at me.
As I saw him come alive, I came alive.
It made me want to burst with colour and fragrance.
I would puff up myself, face it and then smile.
I would give me best smile...every time.

The days the sun was hidden behind clouds...or the nights
when the moon would shine,
I would still remember its warmth and glow and it would make me
wrap myself around me with its memories and still smile.

I began to believe the sun came out only for me.
I presumed that I was the reason it shone so bright.
I assumed that just to see me smile, it put out its warmth and love.

That is ...until I found out ...it was not.
The realization saddened me.
I began to shrivel day by day.
My fragrance began to fade.
And I endeavoured to wrap my self helplessly within myself.
I realized I was not that special to him.
His love was free for all and not for one.
I was ashamed to be presumptuous...
I was embarrassed to puff up and burst with happiness...
I looked around now and saw how I must look.

I died that night....and the last thought in my mind was
maybe I should at least say it out loud what I felt...
So I said... Hello Sun....its me...Flower....I love you....Thank you!!!

Take a day off...

I took the day off....

not from work...just from my mind....myself...

no thinking...no analyzing...no wondering...no adding to half baked dreams....

just breathing....and being....

It is tougher than most things...

to tell oneself its okay...its okay to take a break from yourself...

from the worrying and wondering and hoping and dreaming....pondering...

of wanting something to happen so bad that it gives you a bellyache!

What did I do?

I read a book,

gazed at the over cast skies,

held a cup of coffee and ...

watched the snow fall in all its hush....glide to the earth...and make a white quilt...

I watched an old movie and talked to an old friend.....

And then....took a deep breath....and told myself ... you are entitled....you are worth it....

you are worthy of your dreams, thoughts and aspirations!!