Look inside her

You love your mother, you love your wife...you love your sister.

These are the roles a person plays in relationships.

But do you love her for HER?

Would you love her for just HER?

If she was not your wife, your mother, or your sister?

SHE is more than her relationships.

Inside all the garments of the roles, she has to don, she is a being of light.

She thinks... she dreams, she has desires and she has feelings.

Do you judge her by the moulds set out for her role?

Does she not fit? Does that bother you?

Have you ever said, this is not how a wife should behave or a mother or a sister?

WHY?

Can she not be HER? Her true self with you? Why does that invoke distaste in you?

There is no right or wrong kind of being. There is only being.

Let her BE.

When she is truly herself can she give you her true self.

Or she will always play her role, her duty with you and you will never know her true essence.

Her true form of being. The supreme light she can be.

Let HER light shine through and love her for HER not for who she is to you.

Love is addictive

Love is a feeling.
We all have it in our lives in some form or the other.

When you find it in your partner though...that's the love that makes you feel blessed.
It warms your heart.
Brings you peace.
Every breath you take makes you feel engulfed in a warm hug of your beloved.

That love.
That love is addictive.

You want to stay in the haze of it.
Be surrounded by it.

No matter where you are....or what you are doing.
It is ever-present.
Like your breath. It becomes a part of who you are.

Love is a feeling... it is like God... you cannot see it... you can only feel it... it cannot be forced...it can only be felt... you will know when you have it. 

Woman power

All my life I have been told and I am sure many of you have been told growing up. 

“Conceal….don’t feel.”

“Act like a lady.” 

“Behave yourself.”

“Say you are sorry.” 

“Don’t be a drama queen.”

I can go on and on about the things I heard parents tell their kids especially girls. Growing up it all became a part of my psyche. 

As women we have been told to be extra careful and mindful and it gets ingrained in our brains till we start manifesting those voices in our heads as our own thinking. 

My mind reels at all the information I have been handed down and belief system that is actually flawed. It worked for the last generation but evolution is constant and thus it is now necessary to move away from those thinking processes to a more elevated plain of thought. 

As women we are strong, capable and so much better informed. We have the strength to change the world. The power has always resided in us. Thus in many cultures women are revered and Goddesses are offered offerings to please and blessings are asked for.

Then why is it that we as women are the first to gossip? To judge the other woman? To belittle and trivialize their journey? 

We are the foundation of humanity. The power then lies within us build a strong and reliable society on it. 

Where am I going with this? I think women empower women like no one else. 

I was recently at a workshop where after an intense session I found myself emotional and teary eyed. The women around me reached out and helped me. No judgment. They helped me deal with my emotions and understood me. It was empowering. I was grateful for their compassion and love that was sent my way. But the biggest take away for me was how we as women, as a collective are stronger. When we hold each other up. We shine! We all can shine together. 

It’s okay to be emotional, to be vulnerable to be raw. We are allowed to cry. We can tell our kids that it’s ok to cry. We do not have to be brave all the time. 

When our children see us cry. Other women see us cry, they are moved to compassion and there in that moment a bridge is build. A connection. A trust bond. That what vulnerability does for you. Do not be afraid to show who you are. Do not be afraid to let go. Do not be afraid to be sad sometimes.  

All roads lead to love. To more love, connections and the openness of the heart and mind. 

There is a reason in olden days women congregated together and worked through each others’ problems. They supported each other and together they built strong communities. In some cultures women still do that. It has power. Now the question is how do they use this power? 

As the quote goes “With any great power comes great responsibility.” 

Jasbaat

चंद जस्बात-

आँखे झुकालो कहीं तुम्हारा दर्द न ज़ाहिर हो जाये,पलके तब उठाना जब दिल काबू में आ जाये. 

किसी के प्यार में इतना भी मत उठ जाना,की जब दिल के टुकड़े बिखरे तो गिरने की आवाज़ भी न आये. 

Perception of touch....

Every touch is different, like a fingerprint,

some touches express love by their mere presence and yet

there are certain touches that feel like they have an agenda.

Why so?

I wouldn't know and yet... I know.

The question I ask is that is a perception at every contact or is for real???

I felt it... a small gesture. Pressure on the side of my arm.

I felt it....a holding of the hand a little longer than required.

I felt it....the pressure of the thumb at the back of my hand.

Some fleeting touches ignite a passion or stir an emotion where some just feel warm

and are easy to let go.

To live is to connect and a connect that evokes emotion is all that really counts.

Living in isolation we all long for the connect... a true connect... one that makes us

happy. Not pleasant... genuinely happy.

That touch is to treasure forever.

Either you know or you don't

No one person can be it all.
We all need a cornucopia of spices to make our lives more flavourful.

Is it easy...not by a long shot.
Can everyone understand it....no way.

That being said, one life...we make it what it is.

We can live in the confines of our confinements and yet spread our arms wide and reach the edges of
our existence.
No one can tell us what is right or wrong for us but us.

We can be committed and yet feel the freedom of the soul.

It makes my heart sing....to know that I can steal moments from my life and make then my own.
No one can take them away from me.
I own them and file them under the category of  memories to visit when I want to feel alive again....
in the meanwhile we march on....

Does it matter...should it matter ?

Your hair are too thin,
You let yourself go,
You need to cut back on carbs.

Really?
Have you seen yourself?
Does it matter really to you or anyone if my hair are thin?

Would you not rather know how I am doing?
If I am happy?
If something is not well with me?

Why are appearances that all that matter?

The bigger question is why do I care?
Should I care?
What they think?
Why does it still bother me?

Life is tough... why make it tougher for someone by judging them? 

white cotton candy

I drove down the winding lanes,
The sunlight warming my fingers,
Clouds spread out in the baby blue sky,
Like fluffy cotton candy floating about.

My music floating on the wings of the air swirling around me.
I dreamed of the past, the present and the future.

I found my fingers twirling my hair,
I smiled and frowned and felt happy and sad...all at once.

My car turned with every turn and so did my feelings...

There is just so much to do that when I slow down...I dont want to.

I want to see ... I want to dream.... I want to live....completely... without compromise....

I want to be Alive! 

Its an uncertain world out there

As we watch the news with horror, we hold our little ones a little closer
and become a little more afraid of the world out there.
We teach our children to share, to try to get along,
love and patience is the key and not violence and aggression.
Yet its exactly the opposite that the world portrays out there.
My soul shudders to think of the callous and desensitized world out there.
Where some day our little ones will be alone.
Should we stop watching the news? Should we withdraw from society
that seems to be going to hell in a hand basket?
How will we ever explain these atrocities against humanity to our kids?

Waiting for Godot....

When I read the play...so long ago....I loved it ...
But today I understand it.

The perpetual state of waiting.
We wait to go somewhere. We wait to get somewhere. We wait for someone.
We wait .... period.
All our lives.
It is our illusion to think we have control and we can get up and end the waiting...
WE find that no matter how much we begin walking...we still end up where we
were until destiny has willed it so.

So is there free will? Don't think so.

The wheel will turn at its own pace and events will play out the way they will.

All we get to do is...wait.....

Thus... we are all Waiting for Godot. 

My mortality

Today out of most...
I am reminded of the frailty of the human body,
the mortality of a human life...
and the never ending and surprising arrogance to think we are immortal.

We are of dust and will soon be dust again,
none...no matter how much of an achiever will take anything with us.
We will end where we began...into oblivion.

Time is short...so short.....so many roads to travel,
so many lives to touch....so many hues to see.
Yet the sand trickles away....bit by bit....slips through the narrow passage of time.

We see it happen to others and yet feel that it cannot happen to us.
We make plans, we have ambitions....we take liberties....
all in vain.
All can be dashed in a breath. A breath that can leave in less
than a blink of an eye.

We are mortal. We are all here with finite time.
Make it count. Make. Every.Breath. Count.
Not for anyone else....but for yourself...
when the time comes....never should there be a regret.

Pearls of hope

Dreams are the white wings we spread to out and take flight,
the tiny specks sitting on those wings are the woven in pearls of our hopes.
Each time we fly,
we are wrangled with fear.
Fear of failure, of disappointment....of incompletion of desires.

Yet we take flight.
We take flight because we hope.
Our hopes are what give our wings strength to dream.

Sometimes we dream alone and find ourselves soaring in the expanse of the universe.
Alone.  Yet, sometimes we share the dream. Though its our dream but when we
spread our wings and take flight, take the leap of faith, we find...
our wing tips touching the tips of someone else who shares our dream.

If we can find the strength to leap, the hope will come, the dream will live
and you might even find the gossamer threads of the dream woven through
the wings of others.... running its invisible webs through....them...and you.....
shining....glistening.....

I am a woman.

I as a woman am offended when in the name of religion women are expected to sacrifice.
Recently I was faced with an argument that a religious practice called Karwa Chauth.
A practice in the Indian faith where women fast all day long without food and water for the long
life of their husband and eat only after the moon is out. I like anyone else would want to wish well on my spouse. Though why the need to fast is my first question and secondly why women? Should it not go both ways? Why can men not observe this practice for the well being of women in their lives? Women who marry them, live with them, give them kids, take care of homes, also cook at times, as per Indian tradition they leave all that they know behind to give the men a life, make their families their own, their parents give dowries, pay for lavish and extravagant weddings, they even get tortured by in laws for in factions like infertility.
The whole premise of my question is why in this time and era do women still fear? Our parents spent as much time, money and love on us as much as men? What then gives men the gall to presume they are superior?  Why sell ourselves short? Why not teach our daughters that they are worth it. They should not settle and never be with anyone who or his family does not respect her and her family which is common humanity.
From ancient times women have been treated like chattel. They were bartered like commodity, they were plundered, raped and sodomized as per convenience. Is it not enough? We have stepped into the 21st century, we aspire to reach the far galaxies and planets and yet we cannot respect human beings equally?
The verbatim definition of feminism is "the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men."
 Is it not time we upheld it and respect women by providing equal rights as a society in India and the world? 

Don't let me go

I find myself in a place. A place a lot of us might find ourselves.
Its limbo.
If someone glances into the window of my life it seems perfect.
Yes, everything a person can need to exist is available.
What society perceives as achievement is there.
Yet I find myself swimming in a funk.
It's like I am floating right under the surface of reality.
I know I am underwater. I can hear the loud silences.
I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I know I exist.
I know I want to break over the edge of the water.
As I see the light play on the surface I want to reach over and touch its warmth.
Yet, something holds me back.
What is it?
I don't know. My fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of seeing a new reality.
Fear of changing things as is.
So thus I float. For now. The water is like a glass barrier above me,
between me and the world.
Is that reality better than this? I have no idea.
I have a straw to breathe.
The straw that I hold on to with dear life.
Its the only link between me and my chance to reality.
The only link in the chain that keeps reminding me that I should not
forget that I was once different and things CAN be different someday.
Till the day I can break free...oh dear straw of mine...don't let me go.
I might lose sight and lull myself into false security in this limbo.
You are my touchstone.
Don't let me forget.....and don't ever let me go!

Masks

It is said that we all wear masks... we mask our true selves for fear of discovery.
Behind the masks lie our true natures with facets of lust, fear, violence, anger and such.
There is also facets of vulnerability and pain and such as well.
It becomes necessary I guess, after a while as being your true selves gets one
judgement and ridicules.
Now my observation is not on the masks, that I know exists.
My thoughts are on who taught us to put on the masks and also...when.
All human behaviour is learned behaviour. We are a clean slate when we enter
this world. Then when do we learn to pretend?
The answer in my opinion is since we began talking as a child.
I see parents chide children, this is not right, that is not right.
You cannot say this, you cannot say that.
What are we really doing?
We are conditioning the child to alter their true nature and being themselves
to little minions of us who will follow other minions and dodos and fall off the
face of this proverbial life and Earth.
Years ago a child once called me "Fat". I laughed, I knew she was right. I was overweight and
from her vantage point I would look exactly like the picture depicting "Fat" in her
kiddi books. What was more hurtful was her mom telling her its not polite to say that.
When the child asked why, she said "You know how you do not call a blind person blind or a
mentally challenged person retard you do not call over weight people Fat!"
It felt like I was kicked in the guts.
This is how we teach our children to put on another mask. To be polite.
Do not talk about the obvious.
I as one individual cannot change the entire society and world, but that does not
render me blind. I see the hypocrisy, I see the pretences.
It irritates me to see people with masks on.
That is why , when I  meet someone without one...very rarely but I do
meet some who have chosen not to don the proverbial mask I rejoice.
I get so excited and try to hold on to them. Sometimes quite fervently.
It is refreshing.

But then as no man is an island, so at times only by donning the masks can we walk
the earth and look for the few without them or showing cracks on their masks
so we can reach each other and cast them off together! We now need the masks to
survive the world...and look for like minded individuals with whom we can let the masks slip away!

one step

One step forward and two steps back.

Lying to oneself is easy and to others...even easier. We all have instincts and our instincts tell us when someone is angry with us, when they have shut down , when they are ignoring us and when ...they just don't care. Yes, certainly sometimes we are mistaken and it is not all that sombre. Thus in relationships its like a dance... we take one step towards someone and then retreat two steps, afraid of being hurt or hurting others. Self doubt and second guessing has become my second nature. Which leads me to....

I am confused about myself. The direction where I am headed, my reasons for the things I do and for what is it that I am on this God's green earth to do? To be a mother? To be a friend? To be a wife? To be a worker? To be a writer? To be a painter? To be a cook? I have numerous interests and yet nothing fuels my passions on an on going basis.
I see the judgement in people's eyes. For the longest time people worked hard for women to get education and equal rights. It is still an ongoing battle in some places. Does that not put undue pressure on women who have it and yet want to be something other than a worker bee or just ambitious for career and money? Can't I just want to be me? These existential issues keep coming up and I struggle with them some and then let them go at times. I let go of them and my insecurities until I come across someone again asking me, "Don't you have a MBA?" Does that mean that I HAVE to use my degree? Does that mean I have no other options? Does that not mean that I have that too as an option if I choose it to be?
That then brings me right back to...what DO I want? Which comes back as a resounding "I have no Bloody idea!!!" 

Blue

It hits me out of the blue and boy do I get blue.
My arms ache to reach out and be engulfed.

I ache for the warmth that can melt away my sadness.
My body rocks to an ancient rhythm. The rocking of my body in a soothing
motion that remind me of my mother's embrace.

I ache for the love and the familiarity that is slipping away everyday.
I have loved ones around me, I am loved, I am cherished ...yet
its not enough. I miss the care and affections of the ones that are departed.

As the seasons turn,
I am reminded of their loss.
I see them in my dreams and sometimes I catch them
from the corner of my eye.
I hear their voice , calling my name and I reach my arms out...
trying to reach them.
Then I wake up and know...
that they are gone.
That begins the cycle of sadness that I have to push away everyday.

A loss is not of just a person,
but of moments, life, memories, a part of our lives.
It cannot be mourned and be moved on from.
It is something we deal with every day.
I decide each day I am not going to let it take me down.

And then....the blues hit....and boy do they hit.
My heart aches with the memory of my mother's embrace.
My father's loving hand on my fore head,
the way he tucked my strand of hair behind my ear,
how Mom got us ready for school.

How I took it all for granted ....and now....
I just wish I could go back and remember more details.
Yet all that I remember and miss most is her hugs.
His voice.
Their love.
My days ache from their loss.

I will smile and live and love....but part of me will always ache for them.

Dreams are expensive

When I watch a fantasy show....the one thing is always repeated...Magic comes with a price....
But then if we translate it in our real life....
our dreams are figuratively magic and thus our dreams have a price.....and quite an expensive one for that!
I wonder why the Universe exacts such a huge pound of flesh for a dream we dare to dream....
I guess that is why we live most our lives on auto pilot...afraid of dreaming....even imagining to dare that there could be a different reality than what we live in...
It is definitely easy to say all one has to do is get up and change their circumstances or just take the first step....but not everyone has the the courage to do so....thus fear rules our lives....or is it that we know the price we have to pay for a dream....dream to have a different reality...to take a different path...to desire...to achieve...to be....or to mean anything more......
Dreams are like those fleeting foggy clouds...misty and flimsy passing through the skies of our  mind....we see them....we feel their moist kisses on our brow passing over us....making our body clammy with desire....yet we dare not stop and try to solidify them....because we know ....to stop a dream and try to hold on...may mean giving up every single thing you know and hold dear...it will question your very existence.....

I wonder again...

As we grow and time passes...I am forced to wonder and ponder over this one thing. What is morality? What are ethics? What is right and what is wrong? What is natural and what is unnatural?
Yes, these may be questions that plagued many a philosophers and thinkers. It bothers me too. I wonder about these questions as they come into play on a daily bases in my life and of all that I know.
I was told by one person homosexuality was wrong. I asked "Why do you think that?" The answer, though I do not know why it surprised me, was , "Its unnatural. Nature made man and woman for specific reasons and thus to mate in any other equation is against nature."
I was pained by this view. Yes, it is that person's view point. Yet the narrow thinking pained me. How does one grow older and never evolves? I did try to explain to the best of my ability and yet it fell short and the person turned away, clasping tightly to their archaic view point.
So I think who has placed these views in people? How does one come to the conclusion that one act is right and one is wrong? Who gives them the authority to judge an action, a thought a feeling?
If a married woman/man felt an innate need is not being met , they seize an opportunity if it arose, to fulfill it, will they be considered immoral? Most people are conditioned to believe that society functions in absolutes! Yet, is it? Wrong or immoral I mean? Can a person not love one and yet find a need fulfilled somewhere else? I bet the people who are members of Ashley Maddison might back me up on this! Yet thats what got me thinking on this train of thought. Why is it considered cheating or betrayal? Where does it say by nature we are to be monogamous? Yes, it says so in the the holy books of certain religions. But them who wrote those books? Men! Then it is thinking of certain men that decide what we should think is right or wrong not our own sense of judgement.
Here is what I think, we are born once. We have no idea of what came before or what is to come after. We have been given an individual brain for a reason or else we would have been part of a collective like the Borge. We are meant to take decisions pertaining to our lives, individually. Morality, ethics, right, wrong, natural and unnatural are all relative terms and we have to weigh our options based on personal opinion instead of something handed down by a faceless people centuries ago which hold no sense of propriety in today's time and age. It may have been good for the society at their time as it needed the structure and guidlines as it was evolving. Now we are past that and as evolution continues we need to stop with the collective thinking and really apply our own sense to the matter. Society will not disintegrate unlike the popular belief. Now I know some one will argue, then that should we let people do what ever they want like rob, rape and cheat others. NO! That is not what I am saying and if this thought has crossed your mind after reading the above, you should stop reading!
As long as it does not do harm to any other being, its not fatal to anyone, our decisions have to be our own, in matters that pertain only to self and has nothing to do with opion of others is where I am coming from. I am not asking to dessimate society completely.I am saying it is possible to maintain one's inviduality also in a social setting.Matters pertaining to the heart. Marraige, job, friendship, fashion, your own life. Do not be the sheep following the herd!
 We cannot view the world by the standards set by someone centuries ago. We must not judge at all. We have to take it as a part of evolution and learn to grow individually as well as appreciate the growth and changes around us. 

Do you know life is too short to keep up pretense?

Now here is what I ponder today...

Do we love for the sake of love or we hold on in fear...

Now I am not just talking about a romantic relationship...it can be any relationship is what concerns me....

We hold on to redundant friendships and relations...knowing full well that they do not serve their purpose any more. They may have started out as strong solid relations but as time goes by...they fade into a habit of a relationship. 

You go through the motions of talking, making the same jokes and aching about the same aches...then you part ways and wonder what you talked about. Why did you not feel the same exhilaration or catharsis you always felt? The rush of joy you felt when the other understood you in the minimal use of language. 

That is when I start thinking ..is the relationship still alive. Am I just holding on due to history and nostalgia or does it still mean as much to me as it did before?

As I metamorphosize so does the other individual and thus we grow in different directions and what once seemed funny and amusing is just sad and redundant now. 

Is it time to let go of the fear of being alone...without the familiarity? Is the sense of familiarity that important?
There is of course another question that then takes birth from these swirling dark clouds of questions of existence...can the love be salvaged?
That is a big question to follow the already pebble ridden path that we were strolling down already. The pebbly questions poke the soft skin of the under foot and the grit hurts to the point where we are forced to stop and take stalk. We are forced to rethink our path and think carefully how to avoid the gritty path.
Love is a powerful yet overused and tired word. What is love really? Is it being fond of someone to the point where you do not see yourself without the other? Is it the irrational chemical and physical reaction to a person or thing? Can we love without fear? Can we be brave to let go and more still are we brave enough to realize that the love is gone?
It may not be fleeting but it surely can fade. If there is a residue of comfort to the level that is acceptable and nothing else gives...then maybe we hold on. But not out of fear of loss. Not out of the dread of the gaping hole that may occur as the sudden vacuum created by the fading and subsequent removal of this.
I know most of us ...including I think...why should I let go? Why not let it be? Its not like its killing me? Well that may be true. It could be a something that exists in your life, just because you have it. Like that ugly totem you bought on a trip to the islands and now it does not go with your life but it is still there because you bought it and have fond memories connected to it. My only problem with that would be...the totem does not take away from your life but this kind of relations that are no more gratifying..they eat away at you. You will have to keep up the Charade and pretenses and the only question then remains it...
Do you know life is too short to keep up pretense?