Will you understand?

The news is not too good,
the dreams are getting old,
they have been dying for lack of sprinkle of creativity.

I drag my feet,
I make excuses,
I try but half heartedly.
Am I sad? Maybe...
Am I dis heartened....definitely...

I dreamt and started off on a journey,
some good turns happened,
some self discoveries happened.
I never lived up to the standards of the world.
I never made the mark I was expected to.

How do I explain?
I never set out to do that?
I started looking for something that made me happy,
kept my hands busy but also my heart and soul.

Alas I am still standing on the precipice of uncertainty,
I don't think I want what I started.
Do I answer to others why?
Do I NEED to explain?
The ones who know me...won't they understand?
or will they?

My father...my inspiration...

It is ironic that exactly one year ago this day, my father suddenly died and left a huge void in my life. We never realize how vital and what a huge part of your life someone is until they are gone. But this is
not about my sadness or of my loss.
My father like most working people did a job...got paid and took the best care of us his family. He was a plastics engineer.
Then he decided one day to do his own thing.
So he opened a business, in Nigeria, he lost a lot of capital as he did not have the right plan or the work force and he had to shut down operations. Most people would quit but he didn't. He moved us to India where he invested with an old family friend ( one tip for to be entrepreneurs, either do not work with friends and family or have everything in written, in triplicates preferably). The old family friend set up operations and put most of the business in his own name. My father was the muscle and brains but the so-called friend was the face and name of the business. As we all can see where that would have gone, soon he duped my father and booted him out.
That was the end of another heart breaking episode, the thing about papa was, he never quit.
Lesson 1. Never Quit. Try Try and Try again.
As things progressed my father tried different things, one thing he did not do was sit home and wait for
the right job to come along.
It was then that he thought of starting his own dried snacks (Namkeen) business. It sounds great but he was 1 man. No one to help or support him. My brother and I were too young and in school. Only person to help him was Mom, who stood by him like a rock.
This is what he did, every once a week,he would get up at 3 am. I would drive him to the bus station in C.P, New Delhi at 5 am where he too the bus to Jaipur, Rajasthan, a 6 hour bus ride. He would buy the snacks in sacks (sounds like a nice rhyme) then he would catch the bus back and get back home around mid night and some times later. The next day we would all, my family and sometimes our school friends, create an assembly line. Papa would scoop and put the snacks in baggies and then one of us would weigh them, then the next would seal them and the last would put it in cartons and pack them.
In an ideal world it was a great home based business, unfortunately there was no social media marketing. My father would pack the samples and supplies in the car and take them from store to store trying to break the monopoly of the existing businesses and just get his foot in the door. Gradually he got tired and had to quit. No marketing, no human resource and barely any capital, he still took his shot.
Lesson 2. If you want to do something, go for it, sometimes take the leap of faith is what matters.
Lesson 3. You may not always be successful but at least you could tell yourself that you tried!
After this experience he got in touch with a God sent man who offered my father a consulting position with a government organization and my father never looked back. The hard days were gone and then there were happy days where he could once again breath easy and not worry about how will he send my brother to Engineering school or get me married.
He retired a happy man, but that was not the end of his endeavours. He was always interested in a good business venture and always encouraged people who wanted to do their own thing. Till the last day of his life, he was involved in various ventures and wanted to keep doing things. He didn't have to, he had a house, his wife had passed on, his kids were married and settled...but it was like he just could not sit still or idle for long.
Lesson4. Never let go of your appetite for life!
My father lived big, forgave all and loved all.
Today, him as my inspiration, I venture out on my own, starting my own catering business. I hope he looks down upon me with a smile or frown ( as he may think I am doing something wrong and he wants to advice me). I hope I make him proud and am able to be a success.
Thank you Papa....you will always be my inspiration. 

Take a day off...

I took the day off....

not from work...just from my mind....myself...

no thinking...no analyzing...no wondering...no adding to half baked dreams....

just breathing....and being....

It is tougher than most things...

to tell oneself its okay...its okay to take a break from yourself...

from the worrying and wondering and hoping and dreaming....pondering...

of wanting something to happen so bad that it gives you a bellyache!

What did I do?

I read a book,

gazed at the over cast skies,

held a cup of coffee and ...

watched the snow fall in all its hush....glide to the earth...and make a white quilt...

I watched an old movie and talked to an old friend.....

And then....took a deep breath....and told myself ... you are entitled....you are worth it....

you are worthy of your dreams, thoughts and aspirations!!

The Shell of Emptiness....

I often wonder about the shell of a snail...

It carries this empty shell on its back, which happens to be its entire world.

If it is not carrying its empty world it retreats into it,

thus shutting the rest of the universe outside.

Does it know what its doing? Is it happy living such a life?

Is its existence better than most?

Is it ok to carry one's solitude and loneliness on their being, around them, enveloped by it.

Most people do strange things to rid themselves of this shell of emptiness.

Can they? In the end...I feel we all have this shell within us.

Even when we are with loved ones, we can see we are not alone,

but there comes a moment of clarity when we realize ...everything is flimsy..... its all temporary...

love, friendship, enmity.... all the relationships we have, have a limitation....

and in the end its just us....

we are responsible for our happiness and only we can light a candle in the darkness

of our hearts and create a semblance of joy...and make peace with out solitude.

We...like the shell of the snail...are destined to carry our solitude and loneliness in our selves.....

the only difference is the snail has no choice...we as beings can shrink the size of it and become comfortable with our shells of solitary confinements by making peace with them and

acknowledging them as well as giving it its due importance thus accepting its existence and

also recognizing its presence....ergo as we identify our burden....it becomes easier to carry ... we may not get rid of it but we walk a little taller..knowing it exists and always will...we came alone...we leave alone....what we have inside....will also be what we have to comprehend....alone!!!

Gave little but got much much more.....

Giving brings joy is what I have heard a great deal of times,

yet when I actually gave was when I felt the joy and peace steal over me.

I did not give money or any thing material...

I gave my time, to the needy.

Little souls that look up to you with such faith and trust.

Their eyes follow you when you enter their space.

Their tails wag.

Their tongues hang out and they lick you over and over.

Such pure love, such unselfish love.

Brought tears to my eyes.

It was when one lay beside me and relaxed enough to sleep, was when

my heart soared and I felt it would burst with joy.

I sat still, my hand moving gently over his fragile body,

and a smile on my face.

There are very few words that can come close to describe my state of heart and mind.

I was at peace. The long road of unsettledness and the feeling of something is amiss,

all dissipated and all that I came away with was a quite and peace.

The world made a little more sense than usual.

I gave a few hours but got back ten times more.....